On August 5, 2001, the Seattle Mariners faced off against the Cleveland Indians in the third of a four-game series.

The Mariners had clinched the head spot in the American League and were playing an adequate team who had 25 fewer wins that season.  The Indians exited the first inning with a 0-0 score, to be knocked down by 4 runs in the 2nd, and another 8 excruciating  runs in the third. Down by 12 and having already lost the first two games in the series, fans began to walk out on the game and frustrated athletes undoubtedly wondered if they could beg for a run-rule and skip out early to drown their sorrows in.…ice cream, I’m sure. What happened over the next 7 innings however, changed this disaster of a game into one of the greatest upsets in the history of professional sports. 

Though I am neither a Mariners nor an Indians fan, there is a fighting spirit in me that roots for that underdog. That believes the cheer leading, motivational speeches we are told about rising up and the power of positive thinking. That is what this post is about. Holding on, pushing through to the next inning, and never never never giving up, no matter how far behind you think you are.  

In 2017, 273 people were killed in car crashes in Utah. That same year, 628 of our sons, daughters, fathers, mothers, siblings and spouses died by suicide. That does not include the thousands hospitalized in attempts. Suicide is the NUMBER ONE cause of death in Utah for our youth age 10-24, and the NUMBER TWO cause of death for adults aged 25-44. It is the 5th over all cause of death in the state.

With such staggering numbers, many of us have lost someone, or multiple people, in the past few years as suicide rates have climbed. There is a prophesy that in the “last days” “mens hearts shall fail them” (Luke 21:26, D&C 45:26, 88:91). The thought often comes to me that this is what a failing heart actually looks like. When someone is so far behind in the game, when they think there is no way out, they’re failing, a burden, letting people down, have so many fearful-spinning-out of control thoughts, or are in constant pain and don’t have hope that things will get better, they are indeed, “losing heart”. They are getting their butt kicked in the 3rd, and they are not sure they have what it takes to turn the game around. I don’t know if you are the one in the game, or if you are the one watching, but keep reading. We all need to be on the same page here.

What a lot of us on the outside don’t understand is what it feels like on the inside. That makes being on the inside a lonely place. Survivors that have attempted to take their lives were asked to describe what it felt like to get to that point, here are what a few of them said:

“I just wanted the pain to stop. I was a zombie. I thought I was doing everyone a favor.”

“I felt like I was being controlled by a source, and that is what it wanted me to do.”

“My attempt had nothing to do with how good or bad my life was. I was tired. Tired of pretending.  Tired of being depressed.”

“I just wanted to kill the way I felt, not me. Shut up the chatter in my brain. Break from feeling like the most unworthy, unloveable creature on earth. It’s not selfish or cowardly. It is not to hurt you. It is pure, unadulterated desperation. (Griffo, M., 2016.)”

People contemplating suicide talk about common themes like just wanting the pain to stop and truly believing that their loved ones would be better off without them. Though those on the outside know that is not the case, depression is a master manipulator of reality and can convince it’s victims that suicide is a logical choice. If you are one of those people, please give the rest of us a chance to talk to you about it. For others, feelings of guilt over perceived sins or failures can create a petri dish of shame. Shame steals hope in the power of change, and shame can steal faith in the reality of our infinite worth. Our value cannot be marred by mistakes made in a world designed for us to learn in. Jeffrey R. Holland said, “One of the unfortunate legacies of traditional Christianity in an earlier era is the image of a wrathful, vengeful, angry God who is something like a mean-spirited umpire who is anxious to call us out on strikes….What a tragedy this is and what a heartbreak it must be to Him who is the Father of us all (2012).”

In the mental health field, when we are working with someone who has suicidal thoughts, we often create a safety plan with them. I’m attaching one here in case you or someone you love might need to have one ready to go. Safety Plans are designed to help increase our awareness of what is happening before we dip into dangerous places. It also helps us identify internal resources we have like exercising, getting outside, meditating or practicing mindfulness. There is also a plan for things you can do and people you can call for support. Finally, it puts emergency numbers and facilities within reach, like the suicide hotline, 911, the ER, and in St. George, the Access Center, which is located in Dixie Regional Medical Center. The Access Center is a less intimidating place you can check yourself into for up to 24 hours if you need help getting through a rough spot. They have therapists and psychiatrists on staff that are able to help quickly with interventions and medication if needed.

There is no way for parents and spouses to know how bad things are all the time. Even the most diligent, loving families cannot control all the variables that come into play. Mental health is our responsibility as individuals. Advocate for yourself, reach out, fight for you and no matter what, keep coming up to the plate, keep swinging, and keep trying. Connection is our best friend when we are trying to help ourselves and others out of the darkness. You don’t have to be a professional to listen to or sit with someone that feels alone. Here is a video example of how one man did this for his little brother:

It took to the 9th inning for the Indians to tie up the game that August. The 10th was a wash, but in the 11th, tired and dirty, Jolbert Cabrera comes up to bat, swings at the first pitch, shatters his bat, and gives the ball just enough umph to drop shallow into left, and send home the winning run. The final score was 14-15.

Here is the thing: Sometimes the second inning sucks. Sometimes the third does too. But in between those crappy innings are some really cool moments you don’t want to miss, (I’m not talking about the chicken dance.) In the 4th you might hit a home run and marry the girl of your dreams, or watch your baby be born, or graduate from college or see Spain. Maybe in the 5th you lose your home or someone you love, but you’re going to rally in the 7th with wisdom and humility.

Maybe you are getting your (minor expletive) handed to you right now, and you’re down twelve. So what if it takes you to the 11th to finally get ahead? What a great life! What a great story! You’ve got to keep coming up to bat, you might strike out a thousand times, I don’t care, but don’t you dare quit. Don’t take your life. There is a lot of game left, please reach out, give those you love the chance to help you, and stay around long enough for the game to turn around.

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA; English and Spanish), 1-800-273-8255
  Crisis Text Line (USA), text HOME to 741741
  Native Youth Crisis Hotline (Native Americans in the USA), 1-877-209-1266Befrienders Worldwide (help lines around the world)
• Beyond Blue (Australia), 1300 22 4636
• Kids Helpline (Australia), 1800 55 1800
• Distress Centre (Canada), 403-266-HELP (4357)
• Kids Help Phone (Canada), 1-800-668-6868
• Lifeline Shanghai (China; English only), (021) 62798990
• Samaritans (United Kingdom and Ireland), 116 123